That test weighed on my mind. I knew I missed two questions, the difference between passing and failing, on what amounted to simply not thinking clearly about the problems presented. The remaining questions that I missed pointed at a particular deficiency of mine in understanding the finer points of the 600 section of the Comprehensive Rules. I was discouraged and starting to doubt my continued pursuit of becoming a Judge. Even in light of this, I was determined to give the day my best effort.
Leave Your Problems at the Door
My best effort. Seems easy to write something this. We've all been at that place where we have to do an event with people around us who don't understand the baggage we're carrying. My baggage on Saturday was hobbling me, so much so I didn't recognize it. I felt like a leaf travelling down a gutter to a storm drain. You know that the drain will be your end and it's coming up fast, but you keep hoping to get hung up so you can hold on a little while longer as the water and the rest of the world rushes past.
I won't get into my personal baggage that I brought with me to the PTQ. It's not worth your time and to be honest, my lawyer would be upset with me if I spoke about it other than to say it's work related. But I will say how it has recently affected me. I'm sleeping between 2-4 hours most nights. I'm pretty sure I'm gaining weight (which never looks great on me). I've been short with people around me who I care about. All of this has been going on for a few months, and I don't know when it will be over.
When I walked through the doors of the National Guard Armory for the PTQ, I resolved to put my best foot forward. It's a great concept, but it's hard to do when you're already two steps back. As a Judge (or in my situation, a candidate), we owe it to the players to be well rested, excited for the day, and focused on our task. I batting barely batting .333.
Walking Laps
For those curious about working a Standard event with about 150 players, I'll save you some time as to the one negative. It involves standing or walking. Occasionally jogging. On cement floors. All. Day. Long. Still want to Judge? Then let me pair you with Mr. Arrowsmith. He not only does this, but does laps around the room. And there was a part of me that loved every minute of it. For a time, I was distracted. Every discussion about rules was a moment of reprieve; a chance to focus on a problem that wasn't my life.
Weighing constantly in the back of my mind was not passing that stupid test (no, it's not stupid - it's just the way I felt at the time). Little doubts crept in when I wasn't engaged. Was I just not good enough to do this? Nearly everything I said to a player was being watched and evaluated. After calls, I'd be pulled aside. One of the other three floor Judges would review with me what I said, and much of the time how I could have done better [Folks, this is important, the Judge program is about mentoring and helping you improve; it's not anyone's fault but mine that I wasn't in the right state of mind to start the day]. After each of these talks, I felt a little less like I belonged there, and more that I should be thinking of an excuse to end the day early. The worst part of this was, the Judge I really do look up to in the program had lent me one of his shirts at the start of the day, and I'd be lying if there wasn't a small part of me that didn't feel like I was letting him - and the shirt - down. Seems stupid, right?
Critical Mass
And then IT happened. I soloed a call (only maybe my second or third of the day) early in round six on table 1. Yes, that table 1, the table where the opponents are definitely both 6-0. Where both opponents will get really upset at a bad call. No other Judges rushed to the table to watch over me; I was all alone. I listened to the players ask about a simple rules call dealing with casting Rapid Hybridization on an Indestructible target and whether or not the player would get the token. I 'knew' the answer. But I had come to rely on confirming my calls throughout the day with other Judges.
The doubt crept in. Should I check with another Judge? Was I 100% positive of my answer? So I looked up...and there was the Head Judge walking in my general direction. Salvation, I thought.
I asked the players to wait a minute and flagged down the HJ. I explained the play in progress and what I thought the answer was. Somewhere between not getting much sleep in recent weeks and feeling down about my practice test scores, I misinterpreted the HJ. My explanation of our communication here wouldn't do the situation justice, but take it from me that he fully believed he was giving me a positive, 'Yes, that's what you do,' and I was getting a, 'Why are you bothering me with this and don't you know the answer,' type response. He didn't know my baggage. He didn't know I wasn't in my best form. And I had only worked with him once before. To be honest, I was a little intimidated by his knowledge of the rules. It was a perfect storm for a communication error - and it was largely on my shoulders.
I felt as if I had bothered him with something beneath him (I couldn't see any other Judges at the time) and I was pretty sure I had washed up my chances to work another event with him. Ever. Which would really kill my chances to get more practice as a candidate. He's not at every mid-sized event in my area, but he is at a lot of them. I saw my chance to be a Judge slip away.
The call, for those curious, was yes the player does receive the token off the Rapid Hybridization. (Now back to the story, alright??).
Remediation
I lived the next few hours in fear that I was done for with the program. I doubted the HJ could look at me and say, "You'll never be a Judge," but that is how it felt. I was down on myself because I was WAY out of sorts, professionally and personally before I even walked through the doors earlier in the day. I honestly thought I'd go home, take of my black slacks and put them away except for funerals. I would be lying if I didn't have an image going through my mind in the time between round 6 and the Top 8 of people who start something too late in life. I'm 40. Had I reached the point where I was untrainable? Was I like one of those sad saps that people have pity for because they lost their job making widgets and now had to learn how to be a barista to make ends meet?
The Judge program is about mentoring (yes, Virginia, I've said it before and it will be on the test later so pay attention). After the day calmed down, a new L1 was certified (congrats Dan!), and I had been moved to cover a side event, the Head Judge asked me to step into his office. Uh oh, my gut tells me. The past few months have not been kind to me. Here's where I'll be told I should try something else. His first words weren't, 'Pack your bags', or 'Are you sure Judging is for you?'.
Instead, it was a chance for me to get a glimpse beneath the curtain that is a L2 mentoring. He didn't berate me or tell me to get on the first train out of town. Instead he talked, asked questions, and shared observations. He was more patient with me in 20 minutes then I've been with myself in two months. Was it ALL wine and roses? No. I didn't have the ability to vocalize what I've been going through. My problems robbed me of speech in that regard and I still wish I had a chance to reciprocate some of the advice I was receiving by letting him into my head. But I did have a chance to listen. Two important things were said to me in that meeting, a question and a statement. I think when I can answer the one and believe the other, I'll be in a better place as they are linked in purpose. "Where's your confidence gone to, the confidence I saw in you at the last event you worked for me?" was the question. The statement was just as important, "If I didn't want you here or think you could do this, I wouldn't have you here."
That is what mentoring is in two concise thoughts. It's having confidence in someone when they seem to have lost it themselves.
I'll find mine. I'll get past what I'm going through eventually. We all have to whether our own storms. I'll take another L1 Practice test (or five if necessary), and when I'm ready, I'll sit for my L1. And eventually, I'll work my way back up to the level of confidence that not only he sees in me, but that I know I possess.
PTQ Take-Aways
The PTQ was hard on me because of what I brought with me. But I also decided rather early on, that I need to leave with some things to work on to get better as a Judge. Here are the top items that I ended the day with to remember for next time, hopefully by sharing them someone else will gain a benefit:
1. Repeat and Rephrase - After hearing a rules question by a player, look at them and repeat it, if necessary slightly rephrasing it, so that you make it clear that you have both heard their complaint and that you understand the points. Make sure both players agree before rendering any ruling.
2. Come Prepared - I grabbed some blue painter's tape as an afterthought when packing for the day. Who knows, I thought, maybe we'll need it. It was very well used. Never will I go to Judge an event without it again.
3. Take Notes - I didn't take as many notes as I wished, but those that I did both bring with me and take from the day were invaluable to me. If you Judge and don't write stuff down as the day goes on, you're doing it wrong.
4. Better Shoes - My six-month-old NB black sneakers are great for day to day wear, but I have to find something more comfortable for all day events. Of a 14 hour day, I was easily on my feet for 11 of those hours. This was probably too much, but I wanted to show everyone I could carry my weight.
5. Be Honest with Myself - I will do my best not to sign up for or work events if I'm not mentally in the game.
6. Find a Rabbi - No, not a religious one. I'm not Jewish (nobody is perfect I'm told). Rather, I need a good, personal adviser for Judging and for life in general. Make that two Rabbis. The HJ for the event is my mentor, and I need to make better use of him - but I really need to find someone more local. I'll look, but I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time on IRC.
7. High Five - Get at least two high-fives a day when working events. (It's a thing, don't ask for an explanation).
8. Judge MORE - Most of my actual experience comes from a few large events and a lot of limited draft at my LGS. I need to stop messing around and find time to Judge Standard. Now all I have to do is convince the wife that she really doesn't want me around Wednesday nights either...
(Special thanks to Dimah, Dan, Shawn, Michael, Mike, & Nicola - you guys rock. Thanks to Ron's Comic World for hosting the event.)
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